Dearest Dana
by poeticalscience
Summary: A series of letters that Mulder writes to Scully while on the run in Season 9. Implied MSR.
1. Lonely

A/N: When I saw Trust No 1, I thought of all of the other things Mulder might have wanted to say in that email, and I decided to write this. The letters are in no particular order, except the first and last. And I wrote them before I saw The Truth, so there's no mention of anything that happens in the finale.

Lonely

Dearest Dana,

I know that I cannot be allowed to send this. You would be the first to tell me that it is too great a risk — to all of us — for me to contact you. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to write to you as if I could send it, longing, as I do, to see you again.

It has been only a few days since we said goodbye, yet your absence is like a knife in my heart. I thought I knew what loneliness was, after losing my sister, my father, my mother. I was wrong. You've been by my side for so long now that being without you is like missing a limb. Try as I might to bury myself in what few avenues remain to me to solve this, to find the truth, so that I might return to you, I am all too aware of your absence. Being unable to even speak to you, to hear your voice on the other end of the phone, is the worst kind of torture.

I miss you.


	2. Know

Know

Dearest Dana,

You told me that when I was first abducted, you were asked how well you thought you knew me. You said that you had begun to doubt whether you knew me as well as you thought — whether you really knew me at all. I have to tell you that you do. You know me better than anyone in the entire world. Better even than I know myself.

You understand me. You never thought I was crazy for looking for answers, only for jumping to conclusions. You took me seriously when everyone else would have dismissed me out of hand. You knew why I believed the things I did, and you were always there to temper my impulsive faith with your scientific eye. Even when everything else was against me, you were at my side, and you understood me.

I miss that.

I miss you.


	3. Trust

Trust

Dearest Dana,

I hope you know how much faith I have in you. I don't trust anyone — but I trust you. And I know that you will solve this, with or without my help. I trust that you will bring me home.

When we met, I didn't trust you. I was convinced that you were there to spy on me — a pawn in someone else's game. And perhaps you were meant to be one, but it didn't matter. You came out of that case with the same questions I had — if not the same convictions. And when you said that you still wanted answers, that's when I knew I could trust you.

We're the same, you and I. Our methods may differ, but the drive, the need for answers, is the same. And when you said those things, when I realized that, that was when I decided to trust you.

You're the only one I trust. Which is why I desperately want to send these letters to you, and also why I can't. They would pass through too many hands, could be seen by too many people who might use the information against us.

Still, I wish I could.

I miss having someone to trust.

I miss you.


	4. Strong

Strong

Dearest Dana,

Between the two of us, you are the strong one. You always have been. Though no one would think it to look at your diminutive frame and delicate features, you are far stronger than I.

Time and again, I am astounded by your strength. You have endured so many things that I feel would have destroyed me had I been in your place. Some of the things that have happened to you nearly _did_ destroy me, just watching you endure. But you never faltered. You never let yourself believe anything but that you would survive. And survive you did, only to come out the other side stronger than ever before.

I admire this strength of yours, Dana, even as I envy it. But mostly, I am grateful for it, for it means that you won't give up, won't stop looking for answers, even though I can't be there with you to look. There is so little left that I can do from here, I fear it's all left to you to ensure my safe return. I am sure you will be able to do it — I've never doubted you.

You've always had the strength of your beliefs. I only wish I had some of that strength now, to get through this.

You are my strength.

I miss you.


	5. Blame

Blame

Dearest Dana,

I blame myself. For everything. Always have. Every time you've been hurt, I've blamed myself.

I suppose you'd say that's a little self-centered of me. That you'd have done things that put yourself in danger with or without me, due to the nature of the job. That you've done the things you've done for you own reasons, reasons that had nothing to do with me. But the fact remains that I _have_ put you in danger, Dana. If you'd never met me, you'd be safer. Not safe, not completely. Ours is a dangerous profession. But you'd be safer. Safe from the things that lurk in the darkness, that have hurt you before. Safe from conspiracies, and mysterious illnesses, and alien abductions or government experiments.

And I won't be free of the blame, of the guilt I feel for putting you in danger. Because as much as I wish you'd been safe, that you'd never been hurt by anything, I can't be sorry. I can't be sorry, because that would mean being sorry that I'd ever met you. I can't be sorry for that. I can't be sorry that I've had the chance to meet you, work with you. You've brought so much meaning to my life, a connection with another person that I didn't even realize was missing.

You are the most important person in my life, and I never want to see you hurt.

I miss you.


	6. Protect

Protect

Dearest Dana,

I hope you know that I wouldn't have gone into hiding for anyone but you. I'm reckless with my own life. Always have been. But I've always tried to protect you.

Not because I don't think you can take care of yourself — I know you can. But it would destroy me me to lose you. I do everything I can to protect you because if you were hurt, and I could have prevented it, I don't know how I'd survive it.

That is one of the multitude of reasons why it is so hard to be away from you now. I know that you're capable, well protected, that you've been reassigned to be in the field less. But still I have the irrational fear that no one else can protect you as well as I can.

And, actually, that may well be true. But the thing I can do to protect you, the thing I _must_ do to protect you, is to stay away. I need to keep you out of the path of the danger that threatens me. And if that means being separated from you, then that's what I must do.

I'll do anything to protect you, Dana. And your , gods, I pray that the threat lifts and I can come home to you soon.

I miss you.


	7. Belief

Belief

Dearest Dana,

I've always believed in impossible things. I've never needed proof. I search for it — I've spent my life searching for it — to validate the things I've seen, and to convince the rest of the world. To convince you. You've never believed in anything without proof, and your scientific mind has a rationalization for every bizarre event that has ever crossed our path.

And so, I think, you must have a reason for your belief in me, though I have no idea what it could be. You wouldn't have followed me all these years without it. You'd have turned tail and run, or worse, shut me down completely, long ago.

But you didn't. You believed in me, and stayed with me, and your belief is what allowed me to keep searching, even in the face of everything that stood in our way.

Now, separated from you, I can only hope that your belief in me is as justified as I know my belief in you to be.

I miss you.


	8. Truth

Truth

Dearest Dana,

I've spent my whole life searching for the truth. About my sister, my father, and about what happened to you.

And you've been with me all along, and together we've gotten closer to the truth than I could have ever gotten on my own. But still we only get pieces. Enough information to keep us guessing, to keep us searching, but not enough to really know anything for sure. And I've begun to wonder if we'll ever find the truths we've been seeking.

But along the way, I've learned what I think is a far more important truth. The truth of how much you mean to me.

The truth is that you are the only thing that gives me the strength to keep searching. You fill all of the broken, aching places in my soul, and I will not be complete until I can hold you in my arms once more.

 _You_ are my truth, Dana Scully.

I love you.

I miss you.


End file.
